SHRILLOCK HOMES AND THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
SHRILLOCK HOMES AND THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
– by Tanis Harms, © 2011
.....use in address bar: churchskits.blogspot.com
STYLE:
Dramedy. (16 pages)
PREMISE:
Spoofing Sherlock Holmes, a detective is hired to find the stolen meaning of Christmas.
TOPIC:
Meaning of Christmas.
SCRIPTURE:
Matthew 1:18-23.
CHARACTERS (LINE COUNT) DESCRIPTION:
(57) SHRILLOCK HOMES – awkward but well-meaning detective
(12) MUMSON – Shrillock’s trusty assistant
(13) BUTLER – a proper gentleman
( 3) CHAUFFEUR –
( 4) COOK –
(22) MR. MYSPACE –
(17) MRS. MYSPACE –
(13) NANA (OR POPS) –
( 3) CHILD 1 –
– by Tanis Harms, © 2011
.....use in address bar: churchskits.blogspot.com
STYLE:
Dramedy. (16 pages)
PREMISE:
Spoofing Sherlock Holmes, a detective is hired to find the stolen meaning of Christmas.
TOPIC:
Meaning of Christmas.
SCRIPTURE:
Matthew 1:18-23.
CHARACTERS (LINE COUNT) DESCRIPTION:
(57) SHRILLOCK HOMES – awkward but well-meaning detective
(12) MUMSON – Shrillock’s trusty assistant
(13) BUTLER – a proper gentleman
( 3) CHAUFFEUR –
( 4) COOK –
(22) MR. MYSPACE –
(17) MRS. MYSPACE –
(13) NANA (OR POPS) –
( 3) CHILD 1 –
( 2) CHILD 2 –
( 2) CHILD 3 –
( 2) CHILD 4 – (have more or less, adapt lines accordingly)
PROPS:
3 chairs (or rocking chair & sofa), magnifying glass, notebook, pen, toys, Bible, bookshelf, knitting or newspaper, Christmas tree is optional (make the set as simple or as elaborate as desired).
NOTE:
Shrillock’s notebook can be the script, which he can refer to as often as needed, as he pretends to write notes, etc.
SCRIPT: takes place in a sitting room.
(There is a knock at the door. Butler goes to answer. Shrillock and Mumson enter.)
SHRILLOCK:
Good evening, Shrillock Homes here, at your service. And this is my trusty assistant, Mumson.
BUTLER:
(quizzically)
Mumson?
SHRILLOCK:
Yes, as in– “mums” the word. Mumson. And you are Mr. Myspace, I presume?
BUTLER:
I’m sorry, I am JUST the butler.
SHRILLOCK:
JUSTON Butler!
BUTLER:
No-no. I am ONLY but the butler.
SHRILLOCK:
(to Mumson)
BUD– the butler?
(to Butler)
You are a person of many names, Bud.
BUTLER:
(getting frustrated)
I am MERELY- the butler.
SHRILLOCK:
Merely!? Now, make up your mind.
(Mumson sighs and shrugs to Butler. Butler gives up and turns to see Nana and Mr. Myspace enter the room.)
BUTLER:
Ah, Mr. Myspace, there you are. Shrillock Homes has arrived, sir.
NANA:
Eh? Did you say something? Speak up, sonny.
SHRILLOCK:
(aside to Mumson)
Now his name is Sonny.
BUTLER:
(slowly, clearly)
Shrillock Homes, ma’am.
NANA:
What’s that?
SHRILLOCK:
(yelling)
SHRILL-LOCK HOMES.
NANA:
Ah, I see. A name that speaks for itself.
(Nana sits down and becomes absorbed in her knitting. If it is Pops, he can read a newspaper. Butler stands to the side at attention.)
MR. MYSPACE:
Indeed. Ah, come in Mr. Homes.
SHRILLOCK:
Call me Shrillock, please. And this is my trusty assistant, Mumson. Now, what is this urgent matter that you had to call for me, right during the holidays?
MR. MYSPACE:
Well that’s just it. The MATTER IS about– the holidays.
(Shrillock and Mumsom look at each other inquisitively.)
SHRILLOCK:
I don’t understand, sir.
MR. MYSPACE:
It is gone. MISSING! It has been STOLEN.
SHRILLOCK:
Well, MY holiday certainly has been stolen, NOW, since you had us rush way over here, just because YOU do not get any days off?
MR. MYSPACE:
No-no-no– someone has stolen– the MEANING of the holidays. Someone has stolen- the meaning- of CHRISTMAS.
SHRILLOCK:
I see-I see! Yes-yes-yes, I quite understand. This IS a serious crime. A very serious crime, indeed. This could impact so many people.
MR. MYSPACE:
So you can help?
SHRILLOCK:
Of course. I am a DETECTIVE! We shall investigate and detect at once.
(to MUMSON)
Come, Mumson, the game is afoot.
MR. MYSPACE:
Just let me know if there’s anything you need. If there’s anything I can do to help–
SHRILLOCK:
Yeeessss, yes, let me see... very strange, very strange indeed.
(Shrillock looks around room with the magnifying glass.)
MUMSON:
For a Christmas celebration, it certainly is quiet. What do you make of it, Homes?
SHRILLOCK:
Ah! Elementary, my dear Mumson. The FAMILY has been stolen. Not only is that a clue, but THAT,
(to Mr. Myspace)
my good kind sir, solves the mystery behind the stolen meaning of Christmas. The meaning of Christmas– is family– is it not?
MR. MYSPACE:
Ah, well, except that I DO have a family. And they are all here, in fact.
SHRILLOCK:
You do? All here? In this house? You are a very fortunate man. This certainly does change things. Please, summon everyone to this room.
MR. MYSPACE:
Of course.
(Mr. Myspace address Butler.)
MR. MYSPACE:
Butler, please, find the wife and children and bring them all here at once.
SHRILLOCK:
I need EVERYONE in this house– to be into this room.
MR. MYSPACE:
In that case, include the cook and chauffeur.
(Butler nods and exits. While all are waiting, Nana looks up and around at Shrillock.)
NANA:
Who are these people?
MR. MYSPACE:
Shrillock Homes and Mumson, Nana.
NANA:
Who?
SHRILLOCK:
SHRILL-LOCK, ma’am.
NANA:
Sounds familiar. And why are they here?
MR. MYSPACE:
They are detectives, Nana. They are here to help us find the meaning of Christmas.
NANA:
It’s Christmas?
MR. MYSPACE:
Yes, Nana.
(to Shrillock)
See what I mean? Christmas is completely gone.
SHRILLOCK:
Do not fear, Mr. Myspace. You have hired the very best detectives– in the world. We shall find it. Not to worry.
(Butler leads in Mrs. Myspace, Children, Chauffeur and Cook. Mrs. Myspace stands beside Mr. Myspace. Children sit on the floor to play. Butler, Cook and Chauffeur stand at attention, off to the side, while Shrillock paces back and forth, critically examining each one.)
SHRILLOCK:
A crime has been committed in this very house. Someone has stolen the meaning of Christmas, and it will be my job to FIND it.
MRS. MYSPACE:
My dear, who is this STRANGE person?
SHRILLOCK:
I am detective Shrillock Homes, and this is my very trusty assistant Mumson. Now! We shall begin the investigation at once, and I shall ask that all of you remain in this room until the mystery has been solved. The meaning of Christmas has been stolen, and the answer lies somewhere in this very room. Someone HERE is responsible.
MRS. MYSPACE:
You suspect one of US?
SHRILLOCK:
ARE there reasons to suspect YOU– Mrs. Myspace?
MRS. MYSPACE:
(coolly)
Not at all.
SHRILLOCK:
Do you HAVE the meaning of Christmas in your possession right now?
MRS. MYSPACE:
Not right at this very moment.
SHRILLOCK:
So you do admit taking it, and then- you hid it?
MRS. MYSPACE:
I have hid nothing! In fact, I’ve been spending a good deal of time and effort in the planning-
(Shrillock interrupts Mrs. Myspace to catch her off guard.)
SHRILLOCK:
But you do admit- you have the meaning of Christmas?
MRS. MYSPACE:
Of course.
SHRILLOCK:
And you say- you have been planning this crime for quite some time?
MR. MYSPACE:
Why?! Why?! Why would you take the meaning of Christmas from us?
MRS. MYSPACE:
What? No– yes– I mean– no-
SHRILLOCK:
Which is it, Mrs. Myspace?
MRS. MYSPACE:
I have been planning a party, not a crime. And the party is tonight, in fact. So if you could please speed this up. I just want everything to be perfect, and right on time.
SHRILLOCK:
And when does the meaning of Christmas come in?
MRS. MYSPACE:
Well, that is it... It IS the party.
SHRILLOCK:
The meaning of Christmas is the party?
MRS. MYSPACE:
Yes.
MR. MYSPACE:
Nooooo, that’s not it. That is not it at all.
(seeing Mrs. Myspace’s hurt expression)
NOT- that you don’t throw great parties, dear.
(to Shrillock)
She really does, you know, but –
(to Mrs. Myspace)
But you throw parties ALL of the time.
MRS. MYSPACE:
Well, except that the Christmas party has a Christmas theme, with– Christmas food.
SHRILLOCK:
Food? What kind of food?
MRS. MYSPACE:
It’s the cook! She’s responsible!
(Shrillock uses the magnifying glass to look more closely at the Butler, Cook and Chauffeur, who now stand up even straighter. Shrillock halts to examine something on Cook’s shoulder.)
SHRILLOCK:
Ah-ha! A clue! Some sort of food.
(touching stain and tasting it)
Figgy pudding?
COOK:
It– it’s gravy, sir, turkey gravy.
SHRILLOCK:
Then you must be the cook.
MUMSON:
(sarcastically)
Brilliant, my dear Homes.
SHRILLOCK:
Thank you. So, let us piece this all together, shall we. You are indeed the cook, are you not? So then, did you steal the meaning of Christmas?
COOK:
No. No, sir. I just follow the directions. All I do, and have done, is cook, bake and mix stuff.
SHRILLOCK:
And just exactly who gave you these directions?
COOK:
They are just recipes, sir. Christmas recipes. Which I keep very safe. Recipes for turkey, stuffing and gravy, potatoes, yams, and lots and lots of baked goods.
MUMSON:
Sir, if you don’t mind me saying so, this ALSO sounds a lot like– Thanksgiving.
COOK:
I-it would be pretty much the same. Yes.
MR. MYSPACE:
EXACTLY! This is what I’m always saying. Don’t get me wrong. The food is lovely. But, FOOD is not the meaning of Christmas.
SHRILLOCK:
Just as I surmised. Moving on then.
(to Chauffeur)
To YOU. What is it that you do?
CHAUFFEUR:
I am a chauffeur. I drive. I drive cars. And I drive people around– in- those- cars. And I take people to different places. Like- interesting places... parks, concerts, churches-
SHRILL:
Churches?! Is that only for Christmas?
CHAUFFEUR:
Ahhh, no. All year round, I take people to church for lots of other things... The park, though- the park only has lights on the trees during the Christmas season. Usually. But, I mean, where is Christmas, exactly? Ever? I’ve driven around to many, many places, and I’m not even sure if I have ever seen it. Is it here, or there? I know nothing! I- am- innocent! I only go where I am told.
SHRILLOCK:
And just who tells you where to go??
CHAUFFEUR:
Usually, it is the butler. It’s– it’s him! Isn’t it? He’s in charge of everything. The butler does it!
SHRILLOCK:
(to Butler)
So, YOU– Juston, Merely, Sonny, Bud– whatever your name is NOW... besides answering the door, what do you do? Do you have anything to do with Christmas?
BUTLER:
I do help decorate. Besides overseeing details.
SHRILLOCK:
Or SO you SAY? You OVERSEE, but do you observe or interfere? The distinction is clear.
BUTLER:
Huh?
MUMSON:
(muttering)
It’s one of his favorite sayings.
SHRILLOCK:
(to Butler)
So then, you admit to overseeing the meaning of Christmas?
BUTLER:
I guess.
SHRILLOCK:
You guess? I never guess. It is a shocking habit– destructive to the logical faculty.
MUMSON:
(muttering)
Another favorite saying.
BUTLER:
Well, what can I say. The Christmas decorations are unique from all the other decorations that we put up during OTHER times of the year. So, hence, those particular decorations have a special meaning to Christmas.
SHRILLOCK:
Ah ha!
BUTLER:
It’s all the doing of Mrs. Myspace. Just so! She loves the house to be completely decked out. To her explicit specifications. It must all festively sparkle, glitter and shine.
(Shrillock uses magnifying glass to look at the Christmas tree and/or little decorations, then turns to Butler.)
SHRILLOCK:
And it does! Very nice job.
(getting serious again)
But is it all here? Is anything missing that is usually here for other Christmases?
(Everyone shakes their heads.)
BUTLER:
I make very certain that nothing gets lost or broken. Otherwise, Mrs. Myspace would cry.
MRS. MYSPACE:
(nodding)
I would. Every little piece of décor has significant meaning. And if anything were out of place or missing, I would certainly know.
SHRILLOCK:
But you cannot tell me how or why the meaning of Christmas is missing?
MRS. MYSPACE:
No. I cannot.
(Mrs. Myspace starts to sob. Shrillock sighs and moves on to the Children.)
SHRILLOCK:
Now, children–
MRS. MYSPACE:
Oh, must you bother the children with this?
SHRILLOCK:
Most certainly. I never make exceptions. An exception disproves the rule.
MR. MYSPACE:
I’ll assume that’s another– favorite saying?
(Mumson nods. Shrillock address the Children again.)
SHRILLOCK:
Now, children, what does Christmas mean to each of you?
CHILD 1:
Toys.
CHILD 2:
Candy.
CHILD 3:
Singing songs.
CHLID 4:
No school.
SHRILLOCK:
Do you enjoy these things other times of the year?
CHILD 1:
We get toys on our birthdays.
CHILD 2:
We get candy at Easter.
CHILD 3:
We sing songs at school.
CHILD 4:
We don’t have school at Thanksgiving, Easter, OR in the summer.
SHRILLOCK:
Huh! So, nothing unusual there, then.
(Shrillock stands up straight. Mr. Myspace looks nervous and starts to fret and pace. Mumson turns to Shrillock.)
MUMSON:
I say, when we first got here, why did we not first ask Mr. Myspace what HE thought the meaning of Christmas was, so we could maybe recognize it?
SHRILLOCK:
My dear, Mumson, brilliant, brilliant I say. EXCEPT- it is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.
(Mumson comments to everyone with a mug.
MUMSON:
This is a new one.
SHRILLOCK:
My dear, Mumson, how often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?
MUMSON:
I believe, this would be the first time, sir.
SHRILLOCK:
Nonetheless, we shall NOW query Mr. Myspace... Well, Mr. Myspace, since you noticed that the meaning of Christmas was missing, then you must have known what it was in the first place.
MR. MYSPACE:
Ah, well, um, kind of, but not really? I mean, over the past few years, I was beginning to believe that the meaning of Christmas was just all about– spending lots of money. But, I don’t know, it was just– different when I was growing up.
(thinking, he addresses Nana)
Nana, when I was little, what was different about our Christmases?
SHRILLOCK:
Yes, Nana, what does Christmas mean to you?
NANA:
Traditions.
SHRILLOCK:
Exactly what KIND of traditions.
NANA:
(thinking)
Well, let me see... we’d read from the Bible.
MR. MYSPACE:
Bible?! Do we have a Bible?
(Mr. Myspace looks around at everyone, who shrugs. Shrillock begins to look around with his magnifying glass and searches the room. Mumson goes to the bookshelf. Pulling out a Bible, he holds it up for everyone to see.)
SHRILLOCK:
Thank you, Mumson, brilliant again.
MUMSON:
Elementary, dear Shrillock.
(Mumson pretends to blow dust off it and coughs.)
BUTLER:
I MAY have forgotten to clean that area, but I was NOT the one who put it there.
(Mumson holds the Bible out for Shrillock to take.)
SHRILLOCK:
And now what? Did you read the entire book?
NANA:
We would read... I don’t quite remember now. It was at the beginning of that NEW part.
(Mumson decides to flip through the Bible and stops.)
MUMSON:
Do you mean the New TESTAMENT?
NANA:
Yes, that sounds about right. I had forgotten. It’s been so long.
MUMSON:
(mumbling through Matthew 1:1-17)
“The... generations of Jesus Christ, the son of David–
NANA:
Oh, I remember! David was the king of Israel. The names ARE important, but we would JUST go straight to the part- after the names.
SHRILLOCK:
Okay, but just to be clear, this Jesus Christ was in line to be king? This is very intriguing.
MR. MYSPACE:
Yes! It’s coming back to me, now. Please, go on Mumson.
(All listen with great interest and respect.)
MUMSON:
Ahhh, here it is, at verse 18, “Now the birth of Jesus Christ was in this way: when his mother Mary was going to be married to Joseph, before they came together, the discovery was made that she was with child by the Holy Spirit. And Joseph, her husband, being an upright man, and not desiring to make her a public example, had a mind to put her away privately. But when he was giving thought to these things, an angel of the Lord came to him in a dream, saying, ‘Joseph, son of David, have no fear of taking Mary as your wife; because that which is in her body is of the Holy Spirit. And she will give birth to a Son; and you will give Him the name Jesus; for He will give His people salvation from their sins.’ Now all this took place so that the word of the Lord by the prophet might come true, ‘See, the virgin will be with child, and will give birth to a Son, and they will give Him the name Immanuel, that is, God with us.’”
SHRILLOCK:
Well, mystery solved. The meaning of Christmas was NOT stolen- it was misplaced and forgotten.
MR. MYSPACE:
Amazing! THERE is the meaning of Christmas! Just as God foretold, the Lord God came to SAVE. So Christmas is not just celebrating the birth of Jesus, it is celebrating the reason.
MRS. MYSPACE:
What a great theme for a party!
CHILD 1:
Do we still get gifts?
MR. MYSPACE:
Giving gifts to each other is only a tiny symbol of what Jesus did for all of us. By coming to earth to give His own life, and rise again, the Lord God gave us the greatest gift ever. Once we accept His free gift of salvation, no one can STEAL that away from us. And we will most certainly not misplace or forget the meaning of Christmas ever again! Thank you, Shrillock and Mumson.
(Mrs. Myspace steps forward to take Mr. Myspace’s arm.)
( 2) CHILD 3 –
( 2) CHILD 4 – (have more or less, adapt lines accordingly)
PROPS:
3 chairs (or rocking chair & sofa), magnifying glass, notebook, pen, toys, Bible, bookshelf, knitting or newspaper, Christmas tree is optional (make the set as simple or as elaborate as desired).
NOTE:
Shrillock’s notebook can be the script, which he can refer to as often as needed, as he pretends to write notes, etc.
SCRIPT: takes place in a sitting room.
(There is a knock at the door. Butler goes to answer. Shrillock and Mumson enter.)
SHRILLOCK:
Good evening, Shrillock Homes here, at your service. And this is my trusty assistant, Mumson.
BUTLER:
(quizzically)
Mumson?
SHRILLOCK:
Yes, as in– “mums” the word. Mumson. And you are Mr. Myspace, I presume?
BUTLER:
I’m sorry, I am JUST the butler.
SHRILLOCK:
JUSTON Butler!
BUTLER:
No-no. I am ONLY but the butler.
SHRILLOCK:
(to Mumson)
BUD– the butler?
(to Butler)
You are a person of many names, Bud.
BUTLER:
(getting frustrated)
I am MERELY- the butler.
SHRILLOCK:
Merely!? Now, make up your mind.
(Mumson sighs and shrugs to Butler. Butler gives up and turns to see Nana and Mr. Myspace enter the room.)
BUTLER:
Ah, Mr. Myspace, there you are. Shrillock Homes has arrived, sir.
NANA:
Eh? Did you say something? Speak up, sonny.
SHRILLOCK:
(aside to Mumson)
Now his name is Sonny.
BUTLER:
(slowly, clearly)
Shrillock Homes, ma’am.
NANA:
What’s that?
SHRILLOCK:
(yelling)
SHRILL-LOCK HOMES.
NANA:
Ah, I see. A name that speaks for itself.
(Nana sits down and becomes absorbed in her knitting. If it is Pops, he can read a newspaper. Butler stands to the side at attention.)
MR. MYSPACE:
Indeed. Ah, come in Mr. Homes.
SHRILLOCK:
Call me Shrillock, please. And this is my trusty assistant, Mumson. Now, what is this urgent matter that you had to call for me, right during the holidays?
MR. MYSPACE:
Well that’s just it. The MATTER IS about– the holidays.
(Shrillock and Mumsom look at each other inquisitively.)
SHRILLOCK:
I don’t understand, sir.
MR. MYSPACE:
It is gone. MISSING! It has been STOLEN.
SHRILLOCK:
Well, MY holiday certainly has been stolen, NOW, since you had us rush way over here, just because YOU do not get any days off?
MR. MYSPACE:
No-no-no– someone has stolen– the MEANING of the holidays. Someone has stolen- the meaning- of CHRISTMAS.
SHRILLOCK:
I see-I see! Yes-yes-yes, I quite understand. This IS a serious crime. A very serious crime, indeed. This could impact so many people.
MR. MYSPACE:
So you can help?
SHRILLOCK:
Of course. I am a DETECTIVE! We shall investigate and detect at once.
(to MUMSON)
Come, Mumson, the game is afoot.
MR. MYSPACE:
Just let me know if there’s anything you need. If there’s anything I can do to help–
SHRILLOCK:
Yeeessss, yes, let me see... very strange, very strange indeed.
(Shrillock looks around room with the magnifying glass.)
MUMSON:
For a Christmas celebration, it certainly is quiet. What do you make of it, Homes?
SHRILLOCK:
Ah! Elementary, my dear Mumson. The FAMILY has been stolen. Not only is that a clue, but THAT,
(to Mr. Myspace)
my good kind sir, solves the mystery behind the stolen meaning of Christmas. The meaning of Christmas– is family– is it not?
MR. MYSPACE:
Ah, well, except that I DO have a family. And they are all here, in fact.
SHRILLOCK:
You do? All here? In this house? You are a very fortunate man. This certainly does change things. Please, summon everyone to this room.
MR. MYSPACE:
Of course.
(Mr. Myspace address Butler.)
MR. MYSPACE:
Butler, please, find the wife and children and bring them all here at once.
SHRILLOCK:
I need EVERYONE in this house– to be into this room.
MR. MYSPACE:
In that case, include the cook and chauffeur.
(Butler nods and exits. While all are waiting, Nana looks up and around at Shrillock.)
NANA:
Who are these people?
MR. MYSPACE:
Shrillock Homes and Mumson, Nana.
NANA:
Who?
SHRILLOCK:
SHRILL-LOCK, ma’am.
NANA:
Sounds familiar. And why are they here?
MR. MYSPACE:
They are detectives, Nana. They are here to help us find the meaning of Christmas.
NANA:
It’s Christmas?
MR. MYSPACE:
Yes, Nana.
(to Shrillock)
See what I mean? Christmas is completely gone.
SHRILLOCK:
Do not fear, Mr. Myspace. You have hired the very best detectives– in the world. We shall find it. Not to worry.
(Butler leads in Mrs. Myspace, Children, Chauffeur and Cook. Mrs. Myspace stands beside Mr. Myspace. Children sit on the floor to play. Butler, Cook and Chauffeur stand at attention, off to the side, while Shrillock paces back and forth, critically examining each one.)
SHRILLOCK:
A crime has been committed in this very house. Someone has stolen the meaning of Christmas, and it will be my job to FIND it.
MRS. MYSPACE:
My dear, who is this STRANGE person?
SHRILLOCK:
I am detective Shrillock Homes, and this is my very trusty assistant Mumson. Now! We shall begin the investigation at once, and I shall ask that all of you remain in this room until the mystery has been solved. The meaning of Christmas has been stolen, and the answer lies somewhere in this very room. Someone HERE is responsible.
MRS. MYSPACE:
You suspect one of US?
SHRILLOCK:
ARE there reasons to suspect YOU– Mrs. Myspace?
MRS. MYSPACE:
(coolly)
Not at all.
SHRILLOCK:
Do you HAVE the meaning of Christmas in your possession right now?
MRS. MYSPACE:
Not right at this very moment.
SHRILLOCK:
So you do admit taking it, and then- you hid it?
MRS. MYSPACE:
I have hid nothing! In fact, I’ve been spending a good deal of time and effort in the planning-
(Shrillock interrupts Mrs. Myspace to catch her off guard.)
SHRILLOCK:
But you do admit- you have the meaning of Christmas?
MRS. MYSPACE:
Of course.
SHRILLOCK:
And you say- you have been planning this crime for quite some time?
MR. MYSPACE:
Why?! Why?! Why would you take the meaning of Christmas from us?
MRS. MYSPACE:
What? No– yes– I mean– no-
SHRILLOCK:
Which is it, Mrs. Myspace?
MRS. MYSPACE:
I have been planning a party, not a crime. And the party is tonight, in fact. So if you could please speed this up. I just want everything to be perfect, and right on time.
SHRILLOCK:
And when does the meaning of Christmas come in?
MRS. MYSPACE:
Well, that is it... It IS the party.
SHRILLOCK:
The meaning of Christmas is the party?
MRS. MYSPACE:
Yes.
MR. MYSPACE:
Nooooo, that’s not it. That is not it at all.
(seeing Mrs. Myspace’s hurt expression)
NOT- that you don’t throw great parties, dear.
(to Shrillock)
She really does, you know, but –
(to Mrs. Myspace)
But you throw parties ALL of the time.
MRS. MYSPACE:
Well, except that the Christmas party has a Christmas theme, with– Christmas food.
SHRILLOCK:
Food? What kind of food?
MRS. MYSPACE:
It’s the cook! She’s responsible!
(Shrillock uses the magnifying glass to look more closely at the Butler, Cook and Chauffeur, who now stand up even straighter. Shrillock halts to examine something on Cook’s shoulder.)
SHRILLOCK:
Ah-ha! A clue! Some sort of food.
(touching stain and tasting it)
Figgy pudding?
COOK:
It– it’s gravy, sir, turkey gravy.
SHRILLOCK:
Then you must be the cook.
MUMSON:
(sarcastically)
Brilliant, my dear Homes.
SHRILLOCK:
Thank you. So, let us piece this all together, shall we. You are indeed the cook, are you not? So then, did you steal the meaning of Christmas?
COOK:
No. No, sir. I just follow the directions. All I do, and have done, is cook, bake and mix stuff.
SHRILLOCK:
And just exactly who gave you these directions?
COOK:
They are just recipes, sir. Christmas recipes. Which I keep very safe. Recipes for turkey, stuffing and gravy, potatoes, yams, and lots and lots of baked goods.
MUMSON:
Sir, if you don’t mind me saying so, this ALSO sounds a lot like– Thanksgiving.
COOK:
I-it would be pretty much the same. Yes.
MR. MYSPACE:
EXACTLY! This is what I’m always saying. Don’t get me wrong. The food is lovely. But, FOOD is not the meaning of Christmas.
SHRILLOCK:
Just as I surmised. Moving on then.
(to Chauffeur)
To YOU. What is it that you do?
CHAUFFEUR:
I am a chauffeur. I drive. I drive cars. And I drive people around– in- those- cars. And I take people to different places. Like- interesting places... parks, concerts, churches-
SHRILL:
Churches?! Is that only for Christmas?
CHAUFFEUR:
Ahhh, no. All year round, I take people to church for lots of other things... The park, though- the park only has lights on the trees during the Christmas season. Usually. But, I mean, where is Christmas, exactly? Ever? I’ve driven around to many, many places, and I’m not even sure if I have ever seen it. Is it here, or there? I know nothing! I- am- innocent! I only go where I am told.
SHRILLOCK:
And just who tells you where to go??
CHAUFFEUR:
Usually, it is the butler. It’s– it’s him! Isn’t it? He’s in charge of everything. The butler does it!
SHRILLOCK:
(to Butler)
So, YOU– Juston, Merely, Sonny, Bud– whatever your name is NOW... besides answering the door, what do you do? Do you have anything to do with Christmas?
BUTLER:
I do help decorate. Besides overseeing details.
SHRILLOCK:
Or SO you SAY? You OVERSEE, but do you observe or interfere? The distinction is clear.
BUTLER:
Huh?
MUMSON:
(muttering)
It’s one of his favorite sayings.
SHRILLOCK:
(to Butler)
So then, you admit to overseeing the meaning of Christmas?
BUTLER:
I guess.
SHRILLOCK:
You guess? I never guess. It is a shocking habit– destructive to the logical faculty.
MUMSON:
(muttering)
Another favorite saying.
BUTLER:
Well, what can I say. The Christmas decorations are unique from all the other decorations that we put up during OTHER times of the year. So, hence, those particular decorations have a special meaning to Christmas.
SHRILLOCK:
Ah ha!
BUTLER:
It’s all the doing of Mrs. Myspace. Just so! She loves the house to be completely decked out. To her explicit specifications. It must all festively sparkle, glitter and shine.
(Shrillock uses magnifying glass to look at the Christmas tree and/or little decorations, then turns to Butler.)
SHRILLOCK:
And it does! Very nice job.
(getting serious again)
But is it all here? Is anything missing that is usually here for other Christmases?
(Everyone shakes their heads.)
BUTLER:
I make very certain that nothing gets lost or broken. Otherwise, Mrs. Myspace would cry.
MRS. MYSPACE:
(nodding)
I would. Every little piece of décor has significant meaning. And if anything were out of place or missing, I would certainly know.
SHRILLOCK:
But you cannot tell me how or why the meaning of Christmas is missing?
MRS. MYSPACE:
No. I cannot.
(Mrs. Myspace starts to sob. Shrillock sighs and moves on to the Children.)
SHRILLOCK:
Now, children–
MRS. MYSPACE:
Oh, must you bother the children with this?
SHRILLOCK:
Most certainly. I never make exceptions. An exception disproves the rule.
MR. MYSPACE:
I’ll assume that’s another– favorite saying?
(Mumson nods. Shrillock address the Children again.)
SHRILLOCK:
Now, children, what does Christmas mean to each of you?
CHILD 1:
Toys.
CHILD 2:
Candy.
CHILD 3:
Singing songs.
CHLID 4:
No school.
SHRILLOCK:
Do you enjoy these things other times of the year?
CHILD 1:
We get toys on our birthdays.
CHILD 2:
We get candy at Easter.
CHILD 3:
We sing songs at school.
CHILD 4:
We don’t have school at Thanksgiving, Easter, OR in the summer.
SHRILLOCK:
Huh! So, nothing unusual there, then.
(Shrillock stands up straight. Mr. Myspace looks nervous and starts to fret and pace. Mumson turns to Shrillock.)
MUMSON:
I say, when we first got here, why did we not first ask Mr. Myspace what HE thought the meaning of Christmas was, so we could maybe recognize it?
SHRILLOCK:
My dear, Mumson, brilliant, brilliant I say. EXCEPT- it is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.
(Mumson comments to everyone with a mug.
MUMSON:
This is a new one.
SHRILLOCK:
My dear, Mumson, how often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?
MUMSON:
I believe, this would be the first time, sir.
SHRILLOCK:
Nonetheless, we shall NOW query Mr. Myspace... Well, Mr. Myspace, since you noticed that the meaning of Christmas was missing, then you must have known what it was in the first place.
MR. MYSPACE:
Ah, well, um, kind of, but not really? I mean, over the past few years, I was beginning to believe that the meaning of Christmas was just all about– spending lots of money. But, I don’t know, it was just– different when I was growing up.
(thinking, he addresses Nana)
Nana, when I was little, what was different about our Christmases?
SHRILLOCK:
Yes, Nana, what does Christmas mean to you?
NANA:
Traditions.
SHRILLOCK:
Exactly what KIND of traditions.
NANA:
(thinking)
Well, let me see... we’d read from the Bible.
MR. MYSPACE:
Bible?! Do we have a Bible?
(Mr. Myspace looks around at everyone, who shrugs. Shrillock begins to look around with his magnifying glass and searches the room. Mumson goes to the bookshelf. Pulling out a Bible, he holds it up for everyone to see.)
SHRILLOCK:
Thank you, Mumson, brilliant again.
MUMSON:
Elementary, dear Shrillock.
(Mumson pretends to blow dust off it and coughs.)
BUTLER:
I MAY have forgotten to clean that area, but I was NOT the one who put it there.
(Mumson holds the Bible out for Shrillock to take.)
SHRILLOCK:
And now what? Did you read the entire book?
NANA:
We would read... I don’t quite remember now. It was at the beginning of that NEW part.
(Mumson decides to flip through the Bible and stops.)
MUMSON:
Do you mean the New TESTAMENT?
NANA:
Yes, that sounds about right. I had forgotten. It’s been so long.
MUMSON:
(mumbling through Matthew 1:1-17)
“The... generations of Jesus Christ, the son of David–
NANA:
Oh, I remember! David was the king of Israel. The names ARE important, but we would JUST go straight to the part- after the names.
SHRILLOCK:
Okay, but just to be clear, this Jesus Christ was in line to be king? This is very intriguing.
MR. MYSPACE:
Yes! It’s coming back to me, now. Please, go on Mumson.
(All listen with great interest and respect.)
MUMSON:
Ahhh, here it is, at verse 18, “Now the birth of Jesus Christ was in this way: when his mother Mary was going to be married to Joseph, before they came together, the discovery was made that she was with child by the Holy Spirit. And Joseph, her husband, being an upright man, and not desiring to make her a public example, had a mind to put her away privately. But when he was giving thought to these things, an angel of the Lord came to him in a dream, saying, ‘Joseph, son of David, have no fear of taking Mary as your wife; because that which is in her body is of the Holy Spirit. And she will give birth to a Son; and you will give Him the name Jesus; for He will give His people salvation from their sins.’ Now all this took place so that the word of the Lord by the prophet might come true, ‘See, the virgin will be with child, and will give birth to a Son, and they will give Him the name Immanuel, that is, God with us.’”
SHRILLOCK:
Well, mystery solved. The meaning of Christmas was NOT stolen- it was misplaced and forgotten.
MR. MYSPACE:
Amazing! THERE is the meaning of Christmas! Just as God foretold, the Lord God came to SAVE. So Christmas is not just celebrating the birth of Jesus, it is celebrating the reason.
MRS. MYSPACE:
What a great theme for a party!
CHILD 1:
Do we still get gifts?
MR. MYSPACE:
Giving gifts to each other is only a tiny symbol of what Jesus did for all of us. By coming to earth to give His own life, and rise again, the Lord God gave us the greatest gift ever. Once we accept His free gift of salvation, no one can STEAL that away from us. And we will most certainly not misplace or forget the meaning of Christmas ever again! Thank you, Shrillock and Mumson.
(Mrs. Myspace steps forward to take Mr. Myspace’s arm.)
MRS. MYSPACE:
(to Shrillock and Mumson)
Indeed. And please, stay for Christmas supper. We have more than enough to share.
(to Servants)
And all of you, as well. Come! Everyone- to the dining room.
(As all of them leave, the Children cheer, and Mr. Myspace and Shrillock help Nana up from the chair.)
NANA:
When you just go through the motions, traditions can lose all meaning. But when there is TRUE MEANING behind them, traditions are SO very wonderful and moving.
SHRILLOCK:
Indeed, TRUTH is far, far better– than indefinite doubt. But I rather liked the way Nana put it. Very catchy! Merry true meaning of Christmas, everyone!
(to Shrillock and Mumson)
Indeed. And please, stay for Christmas supper. We have more than enough to share.
(to Servants)
And all of you, as well. Come! Everyone- to the dining room.
(As all of them leave, the Children cheer, and Mr. Myspace and Shrillock help Nana up from the chair.)
NANA:
When you just go through the motions, traditions can lose all meaning. But when there is TRUE MEANING behind them, traditions are SO very wonderful and moving.
SHRILLOCK:
Indeed, TRUTH is far, far better– than indefinite doubt. But I rather liked the way Nana put it. Very catchy! Merry true meaning of Christmas, everyone!
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